My name is Gerald Humphman, and absolutely nothing has ever gone right in my life… I’m broke, too fat, I fart WAY too much, girls are a joke, and I’m barely making it through college.

But today is the best day EEEEEVAR ’cause I just won the $574 million dollar lottery! I’m hauling ass home in my 1972 Pinto “blow-about” to tell my roommate.

Tearing into the driveway of our rental house I run over the mailbox, slide into the garage, and bolt running into the front room.

I’m already out of breath. “Dude! First thing! I’m gonna go down to the Double-D Club and pay those girls to dress like Sailor Moon and OH EM GEE today is the BEST day EVER!”

My roommate Snellson is inexplicably just sitting on the couch pointing, “Dude, according to the news, today is the {last} day ever.”

“Aaaaaaw FUH—”

[existence winks out at 6:16pm 12-21-2012]